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The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin Bowles
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to more...

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood by Colin BowlesPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest more...

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day...Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its 11:00 at the police station...
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
...now its midnight... and the power goes out...!!
billy-bob: hey billi-jo...can i stick my finger in your belly-button?
billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.
billy-bob: i know...:> and thats not my finger! :>

Monster: Stick em down. Ghost: Dont you mean, stick em up. Monster: No wonder Im not making much money in this business.

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation ( the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!! DAY ONE---- Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handfull of potato chips, and a glass of milk ( 3 sips only, then spill the rest) Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips more...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla that had escaped from the zoo in his tree. He quickly calls the zoo and is told that the zoo keeper will be right over.
A short time later, the zoo keeper arrives, bringing with him a large stick, a dog, a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions:
"I'm going to poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, this trained dog will bite his balls off. The gorilla will then cross his hands, trying to protect himself, and this will give you time to put the handcuffs on him. OK?"
"OK," the man says, "but what's the shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the zoo keeper says, "shoot the damn dog!"

Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of more...