Stop Jokes / Recent Jokes
Avoid models that stall during use.
Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.
Avoid completely blocking the air intake.
Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.
Keep locked in the garage when not in use.
Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.
Check for pulling attachments.
Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.
If necessary, fit an alarm.
See if the coil needs replacing.
Take it for a good thrash around
Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?
Watch out for nasty emissions.
Keep all leather accessories in order.
If necessary, fit a silencer.
Or use the choke and throttle properly.
For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.
Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.
Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.
NEVER let your friends have a go.
Never make the mistake of more...
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her. 1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle. 2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots. 3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times. 4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch. 5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang. 6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to. 7. I will get rid of those cats. 8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business. 9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two). 10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me. 11. I will set up the kiddie pool every more...
One day a priest saw a young boy was playing baseball by himself and stop to watch!
The boy threw the ball and swung he missed and said Fuck I missed, and repeated this once more!
The priest then decided to tell the to stop cursing by say: Young man if you swear once more the sky will darken and lightning shall strike down and strike you dead!
The boy thought whatever
So again he picked up his bat and threw the ball and missed and said Fuck I missed! Then just like the priest said the sky darkened and lighting struck and all of the sudden heard a loud voice say Fuck I missed!
Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
Knock over every cone while doing manoeuvrability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "Oops."
Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
Fill your car with beer bottles.
The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial more...
Top 10 Sayings of Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's been!
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! I told you never to play with fire!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes!
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder!
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! Stop working on that old wood and come in and eat! You'd spend your life on that wood, if your father asked you to!
OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their classOLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringingOLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state - of maximum entropyOLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get puncturedOLD TRASH never dies, they just bury itOLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identitiesOLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new PeterbiltOLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on NickelodeonOLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become patheticOLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down - umpires as in Australian Rules FootballOLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsiveOLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come backOLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. .. it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms more...