Straight Jokes / Recent Jokes

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well. Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can, if you can reach a full minute, relax. You may start feeling the exercise work with a little pain. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks After you have master the 10lb sacks move up to the 50-LB. potato sacks. You should start feeling stronger. Then move up to the 100 lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Next, start adding a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it at this level.

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees; Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty Age 15: Looks at herself and sees; Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Movie Star, or if she is PMS-ing; sees pimples/ugly ("Mom I can't go to school like this!") Age 20: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but she decides she is going out anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees; "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" -but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes out anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees; "I am" - and goes wherever she wants to. Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore; goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees more...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better.

Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and more...

I'VE never even let a man kiss me, said the prime one to her friend.' Can you say the same?'
'Yes, came the reply.' But not with such a straight face.'

The man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.

"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man asked angrily.

"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20. 00 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10. 00 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. more...

There are three guys who are good friends.
One is an American, oneis Polish, and one is Italian. They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident.
They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.
When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell.
As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question.
If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.
The Italian guy goes first.
He tells the angel to ask him a question.
The angel says, "How many grains of sand are there in the world?" The Italian guy says, "Um, four trillion?" and falls straight to Hell.
The polish guy goes next and wants the angel toe ask a question.
The angel says, "How many drops of water are there in all of the world's oceans?" He says, "Uh, ninety-eight billion?" more...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you c