Straight Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man, feeling very depressed, entered a bar and ordered a triple scotch.
The bartender poured him his drink and remarked, "That's a pretty heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "When I got home I found my wife having sex with my best friend!"
"Wow!" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "Now I understand why you needed such a stiff drink. The second one's on the house."
The man thanked him and downed his second triple scotch.
"What did you do when you found them?" the bartender asked.
"I walked right over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye, told her we were through, and to pack her stuff and get the hell out of the house," the man replied.
"I guess I would have done the same thing," the bartender said. "What about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked straight over to him, looked more...
There once was a priest who loved to golf. He was pretty good at it and had two nuns as an entourage who would follow him around and watch him play. One Saturday the priest was shooting a great round, when he came upon the eighth hole. He started off with a beautiful drive to down the fareway, and a nice chip to the green. When he goes to putt the ball it rolls straight for the hole, swerves, misses rolls down the hill and into the lake. The priest enraged by this flub in an otherwise perfect round takes out his sand wedge, bends it over his knee, and hurls it at a tree. He then screams at the top of his lungs:
"GODDAMNIT, I missed!"
The two nuns are shocked and berate him saying, "You shouldn't swear or GOD will get you."
The priest, a little abashed decides to continue his round. Amazingly, he finds that his game is improving. However when he gets to the thirteenth hole he drives a wicked slice into the water hazard, takes his penalty and winds up more...
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO WHEN:
Getting a really great parking spot can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in June is just visiting from Ohio.
A man walks on BART in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.
You curse those damn tourists - but always stop to help a cute person who is holding a city map, looking puzzled.
Each time you drive under an underpass, for one moment you think' earthquake.'
Your co-worker tells you s/he has eight body piercings - none are visible.
You take the bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
The guy who cuts your hair is straight, and your plumber is gay.
The woman who delivers your mail is straight, and your Mary Kay Lady is gay.
Old friends you haven't talked to in years suddenly call.' Do you have a spare bedroom for a weekend?'
You think anyone more...
August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get more...
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "clean" and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother more...
Age 8:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty etc.
Age 15:
Looks at herself and sees Cinderella / Sleeping Beauty / Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees Fat / Pimples / UGLY ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!")
Age 20:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short/ too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40:
Looks at herself and sees "too fat / too thin, too short / too tall, too straight / too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean," and goes anyway.
Age 50:
Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60:
Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror more...