Stuff Jokes / Recent Jokes

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's more...

One day Steve Young died and went to Heaven. When he got there, God showed him to his new mansion, which had 49er stuff hanging everywhere. Then Steve looked out his new window and saw an even bigger mansion on the top of the hill. That mansion had Packer stuff hanging all over it, so Steve assumed it must belong to Brett Favre. So Steve asked God, "Why is Brett Favre's house bigger than mine is?"
"That's not Brett Favre's house," God answered, "It's Mine."

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT...

. .. I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.. .. I feel a song coming on.. .. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.. .. I have to bleach my hare.. .. I have too much guilt.. .. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it.... .. I never go out on days that end in "Y.". .. I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.. .. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.. .. I'm having all my plants neutered.. .. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.". .. I'm too old for that stuff.. .. I'm too young for that stuff.. .. I'm touring China with a wok band.. .. I'm trying desperately to be less popular.. .. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.. .. I'm waiting to see if I'm more...

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking - "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded more...

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me." The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We' ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don' t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.' The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what more...

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I more...

WINDERS 98
MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = more...