Stuff Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger! ”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it.

Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all.

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet... idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now more...

Q. What's the brown stuff between the elephants toes? A. Slow natives.

A special Arkansas edition of Windows XP has been developed.
It is distinguished by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, and has a a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Other differentiating features:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4- Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN ARKANSAS EDITION:
OK... ats aw-right
Cancel... stopdat
Reset... try er agin
Yes... yep
No... noop
Find... hunt fer it
Go to... over yonder
Back... back yonder
Help... hep me out here
Stop... kwitit
Start... crank er up
Settings... settins
Programs... stuff more...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Windows XP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS XP with a background picture of the General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plactic discn thangs.
Other features: Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it more...

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)I'D LOVE TO BUT...... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.. .. I feel a song coming on.. .. I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.. .. I have to bleach my hare.. .. I have too much guilt.. .. I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it.... .. I never go out on days that end in "Y.". .. I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.. .. I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.. .. I'm having all my plants neutered.. .. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.". .. I'm too old for that stuff.. .. I'm too young for that stuff.. .. I'm touring China with a wok band.. .. I'm trying desperately to be less popular.. .. I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.. .. I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.. .. My more...