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100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
All your orgasms are real.
A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why Stripes is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support more...

Dear Santa, How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business. Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation. I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat. I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody more...

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = more...

Three guys are riding horses.
1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.
Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
The Iowa horseman asked, "Whatchya doin' that fer, thaz good stuff!?!"
The Texan replies, "Well we got plenty of that where I come from."
Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
And the Minnesotan asked, "Why the hell'd you do that?!?! That's reeeeaaaalll good stuff!"
And the Iowa guy replies, "Oh we got plenty of that where I come from."
So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, "Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!"
The minnesotan replied, "We got plenty of them where i come from!"
(This won't be as funny if you're not from more...

A man enters a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives from the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?" the bartender screams at the guy.
"No, what did he do?" the guy asks.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!" exclaims the bartender.
"That doesn't surprise me," the guys says. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and the other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays for it, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and leaves.
A couple of weeks later, he goes to the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey begins to run around the more...

One day an engineer died and went to hell. He made all of these wonderful things like fans, escalators, and other great stuff.
One day God saw all of the stuff down in hell and said, "Devil, where the hell did you get those things?"
The devil said, "We have an engineer down here and he made all of this stuff and you can't do a thing about it!"
God screamed, "Oh yeah?! Well I'll sue!"
The devil said "Go ahead, but where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A woman hurries home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!!!"
The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out!"