Stupid Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled "This side toward enemy" for a reason. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything.Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire. If it's stupid but works, it really isn't stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than more...
December 26, 1999Dear Santa, You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle, and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking you fat son of a bitch?! That you have taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year more...
The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:
"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good, the house and $2 million."
"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going, the yacht, the business and $1 million.
"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to' enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said,' Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said,' This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said,' This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said,' This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon more...
The teacher asked that if anyone thinks they are stupid to stand up. The class is shocked when they see Nick stand up.
The teacher asks Nick "why are you standing up?" Nick replies: "I didn't want you to feel alone"
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.' In English,' he explained,' a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,' the professor continued,' there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up.' Yeah, right.'