Suddenly Jokes / Recent Jokes
Upon reaching the age of 105, a pious man suddenly stopped attending church. Alarmed by his absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the priest paid him a visit.
Relieved to find him in excellent health, the priest asked, "After all these years, why is it we no longer see you attending services?"
The old man lowered his voice and whispered, "Well, Father, when I turned 90 years old, I expected God to take me any day. Then I turned 95, then 100 and now, 105. It suddenly dawned on me that God is very busy and must have forgotten about me. I don't want to remind Him!"
Can you help me? asked Alice.No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it more...
A weather intern walks into a bar and asks for a Cold Draft. Suddenly the bar door swings open and gusty cool air fills up the bar. After drinking his Draft things seem to get back to normal. The guy then orders a Thunderclap on ice. Suddenly the roof gets pelted with hail stones and an intense lightning flash and thunderous explosion rock the bar. After drinking his Thunderclap things seem to once again get back to normal. Feeling rather good at this point he asks for a third drink- ordering a Tornado on the rocks. This time the bar is not only pelted with even larger hail stones but ferocious winds rip the door off its hinges, shake the bar violently and break every window. Feeling extra good and cocky at this point he then orders an extra large and extra strong Hurricane. The bartender after this request looks up at the guy perplexed and says, "Sorry fella, we have no Hurricanes in Kansas".
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Bobby?""Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.""Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?""Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters."Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him - "I don't want to see you for three weeks!"Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. more...
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
This old man and old woman (husband and wife) die and go to heaven. There, St. Peter gives them the grand tour of their new home. It's a HUGE mansion with a limo driver, gardener, etc.
The old man exclaims, "That's ours?"
St. Peter says "Yes, it is yours, forever and ever."
The old man is a little suspicious and says, "How much is the rent?"
St. Peter says, "It is free. After all, this is heaven."
Across the street is an expansive golf course with beautifully manicured lawn, interesting layout, and fun golf carts.
St. Peter says, "You can play here whenever you want."
The old man says, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replies, "None. After all, this is heaven."
The old man is very impressed. They go inside the house and on the dining room table is a gigantic feast with roasted meats, desserts, fine wine and all the fixings.
The old man says, "How many more...
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; more...