Suicide Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man is running out of his large office building when his boss spots him and asks him what he is doing.
The man replies, "My wife called me and she says she is going to jump out our window and commit suicide."
The boss realizes that this is a good excuse, but says, "Well, by the time you get home, won't it be too late?"
The man says, "Nah, I'm just going to open the window for her."

Did you hear about the two females who were watching a blonde walk by? The first one said, "I wonder whether she's a natural blonde or a bleached blonde."
Her friend said, "She's a suicide blonde."
The other said, "Suicide blonde? What's that?"
The friend said, "Dyed by her own hand!"

There was a very old woman who'd had enough of life.
One day she asked her doctor how to commit suicide in a quick manner. He told her to stab herself with a sharp knife two inches below and to the right of her left breast.
A few days later he was called to the hospital on an emergency. He found the same ancient woman in the emergency room with a horrible stab wound in her knee.

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

...massachusetts is considering an assisted suicide bill...under this bill, you go out drinking at a bar and ted kennedy gives you a ride home.

Following last week's announcement that suicide in Singapore will be regulated, the government has decided to make suicide a capital offence. "Suicide is a deadly serious matter of life or death," said Minister for Suicide Mr. Yeow Teow Loh. "We cannot let citizens decide important things by their own hands and affect our manpower projections." The MOS has written a white paper, and will be tabling it for debate in the next parliamentary session. The Suicide and Miscellaneous Manpower Offences Bill calls for those attempting suicide to face a maximum sentence of life imprisonment. However, repeat offenders will face the death penalty. "We believe that the strongest possible sentence will deter offenders," said Mr. Yeow. The move has been welcomed by EuthanAsians, an Asian right to death pressure and support group. "We back the new death policy," said Dr. Mao Mah Tee, president of EuthanAsians. "And we will do whatever it takes to get the more...

Thank you for calling the Suicide Hotline. Please leave your name, number, and a brief description of your chosen method of demise, and we'll be sure to get back to you sometime within the next week or so.
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