Suicide Jokes / Recent Jokes
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could have been worse." No matter what happened, the old sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been worse." One day, two deputies in the sheriff's office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other.
"This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." "You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say "it could have been worse." "No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to more...
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied. “What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger? ” “No, silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, “I just paid $6000 for these, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ’” “So, then? ” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ’” “So, then? ” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought ‘This is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
Banta joins the suicide bomber squad, so when he is given a mission to suicide in the enemies camp. His leader supply him a lot of weapons and bombs stacked to his body and mobile for communications.
He lands up in the enemy`s camp, called his boss: Sir, there are 2 enemies soldier, can I suicide now?
Leader: No, not for two, wait till you see more soldiers.
Banta: Sir now there are 25 can I do it now?
Boss: Wait for more.
Banta: Sir, now I am in a midst of 100 soldiers, can I suicide now?
Boss: Yes, go ahead, you will be a martyr, don`t worry about your family, we will look after.
Banta pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest.
The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.
13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...
A New York City man attempted to commit suicide yesterday by blowing up his townhouse, sending debris everywhere.
How selfish do you have to be to try and kill yourself and take the whole block with you? What a bad neighbor. You couldn't just jump off the building? Or better yet, stay inside and pop a few pills?
"Nah. If I go, I'm taking Starbucks, Taco Bell and the Gormans from next door with me."
To make it worse, the guy LIVED.
So, he's inconsiderate AND a failure. Oh, will there be dirty looks at the next block party.
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen? The doctor asked. ”Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde replied. ”Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger? ”
"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $6, 000 for these boobs. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $3, 000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”