Suicide Jokes / Recent Jokes

How does the blonde girl commit suicide? She jumps out her basement window

If I ever commit suicide, here's what I plan to do -- you can use this -- I'm gonna fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do, I'm gonna stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way, when I smack into the sidewalk, I'll burst like this big, human pinata. That way, the on-lookers who walk up, they can go,' Oh man, he really must have been depressed -- oh, Snickers! Alright!'

Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so
quick to commit suicide. Let's see now:

No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no
Playboy or Penthouse, no rugby, no football, no
basketball, no baseball, no golf, no dancing, no
music.

No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no mini
skirts and braless beauties.

No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no
burgers, no lobster, no shellfish or even frozen
seafood sticks.

Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next door because
he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't
even shave your wife.

Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything.

You wipe your backside with your left hand
without toilet paper and if they catch you stealing
they chop off your good hand and you must eat with
your more...

A blonde hurried into the hospital emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?," the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
the tip of your finger?"

"No, silly!" the blonde said. "First, I put the gun to my chest, and I
thought,' I just paid $6, 000 for these; I'm not shooting myself in the
chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought,' I just paid $3, 000 to get
my teeth straightened; I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So, then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought' This is going to make a loud
noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I more...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the more...

This is supposed to be a true story. don't ask me if it really is.

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent
had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety
net
had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and
that Opus would not have more...

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''
''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.
The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.