Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes
BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA: Dear Santa: Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up more...
Bill Clinton had fallen deathly ill while returning home from a trip to Africa. It appeared he had picked up a life-threatening disease and was immediately rushed to hospital for complicated surgery.
When he awoke after the operation, he noticed that the curtains were drawn around him and it was very dark.
"Why are the curtains closed?" he asked the Secret Service agent sitting nearby. "Is it night already?"
"No, sir," the agent replied. "There's a huge fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up, look out the window and think the surgery was unsuccessful."
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"
The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier..."
An (Bahraini) Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood.
The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Hummer, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars.
Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati’s kind gesture as he had more...
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor.
"D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?"
"Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam."
After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.
"It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected."
"I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes."
So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor's office a couple of weeks later.
"Doctor, I don't stutter anymore, but my girlfriend's really mad at me. Do you think that there's any way to get it reattached?"
"I d-d-d-don't t-t-t-think s-s-s-so"