Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
"My Beautiful Mommy," a new children’s book, aims to explain plastic surgery.
Other titles in the series include, "My Drunken Daddy", "My Promiscuous Sister," and "My Friendly Priest."
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guaranteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guaranteed for 3 years and the last is $5000 and it is guaranteed for 5 years."
The old lady says "Well tell me about them."
The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for."
She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one."
He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guaranteed for 3 years."
The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one."
The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, more...
You go to him for a separated shoulder, and he suggests you rub a croissant on the affected area three times a day
He tells you that your deodorant is giving you headaches and that you should take fewer showers
Insists on watching Jerry Lewis telethon tapes during open heart surgery
Prescribes "butter, and plenty of it!"
Fills your IV bag with Beaujolais Nouveau
Suggests radical "brie implant"
In the middle of your checkup, lets a German doctor bully his way into being your new primary care physician
Tells you to smoke two packs and call him in the morning
White lab coat embroidered with Pepe LePew holding caduceus symbol
Recommends surgery, you say no way, and he immediately surrenders
Skips out, leaves you to pay the check at a Vietnamese restaurant
Asks, "So what I misdiagnosed you, monsieur? I work for the government and cannot ever be fired. Vive longtemps le m
Two patients limp into two different AmericanMedical clinics with the
same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn''t reviewed for another month and finally has his
surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.....
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm ok but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
says the first.
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon.
"When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded."
The fourth one said, ""I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable"