Suspicious Jokes / Recent Jokes

1) SIMPLE DUTIES-
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS-
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear:-6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY-
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her more...

There once was two men in a bar, the first man said to the second man: Hey! I noticed there was a bumper sticker on your car!
The second man looks suspicious and says: Yeah! What of it?
The first man says: Well, I collect bumper stickers and I didn't really get to read yours.
The second man: Okay! You're point is?
The first man: Can you tell me what it says?
The second man, looking even more suspicious than before clunches his fists tight, nocks down his beer bottle, stands up with his fist to the first man's face and says: Look! I know what you did last summer, how could you kill my father?
The first man then runs out of the bar, scared as freak, and when he is driving away, he catches a glimpse of the man's bumper sticker and it said: Look! I know what you did last summer, how could you kill my father?
He drives away in his car and pulls out a dead man's body with a knife in it and his name tag says, father of The Second Man!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs!"

This is for the guys...
Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose
them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep
Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115,
along with some things that are just expected of guys,
therefore having a score of zero:
Simple Duties
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her father: -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy: -2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

Saturday Afternoons
You visit her more...

It`s been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said `I`ve always been suspicious of people who go to libraries.

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.
"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"
"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.

Police have evacuated The Wall Street Journal's mailroom after several envelopes were found to contain a suspicious white powder. Afterwards, several comedy writers were arrested for telling the same tired "cocaine reference" joke.