Swim Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Comedians' Best Lines, 1997
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,' You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking,' I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"A more...

Patient: Doctor, Everyday I Dream That I Am Drowning In The Sea.
Doctor: Start Learning How To Swim Then.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of
our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon
however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the
female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the
shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming
reluctant to follow him.
"What's the matter darling?"
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the more...

One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, "It's about time I be getting home, because if I'm late for supper, my Dad will get mad and whip up on me. He's a real mean father."
The second little boy said, "Your father ain't mean, I got the meanest Dad in the world."
The first little boy said, "How come you say that?"
The second little boy said, "Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don't say something he slaps me. Man I just don't know what to do anymore."
The third little boy said, "Not me, I got the best Dad in the world. He plays with me, and do things with me. He's a real good Dad."
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, "Do he teach you how to do things too?"
The third boy said, "He sho' do, he's teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and more...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they
noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our
air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to
get away and said to the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up
before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized that the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to
swallow the seamen."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"