Swimming Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and
the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."

When can you dive in a swimming pool and not get your hair wet? When your bald!

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed.

Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

Q: Why do swimming teachers
like elephants??
A:Because they never forget
there trunks!!

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me! ”

It was a very hot day and a man desperately wanted to take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but what did it matter? He was all alone. So, he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket which he found lying on the beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then, one of the ladies began talking with him. "You know, I have a special gift," she said. "I can read minds."
Wanting to dispense with the women, the embarrassed man sharply said, "Well, lady, I seriously doubt you can read mine."
"You're so wrong," the lady replied, "because I know that you *think* the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

An elephant and ant were friends. They decided to go to swimming. They went to a swimming pool but when the ant swims the elephant sits and when elephant swims the ant sits. why?

Ans: Because they have only one swimming costume.