System Jokes / Recent Jokes

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1. 0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10. 3 and Beerbash 2. 5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1. 0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1. 0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?
- Mr I N Distress
Dear I N Distress,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1. 0 to Wife 1. 0 with the idea that Wife 1. 0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1. 0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and more...

Is Windows A Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh...Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus. It's a BUG!

Humorous Computer-Related AcronymsIBM I Blame Microsoft Idiots Buy Me Idiots Building Machines I'll Buy Macintoshes It Bit Me It Built Microsoft It's Better Manually I've Been Mislead I've Been Mugged WINDOWS Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed When I Need Data Output Without Speed While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation Will Install Needless Data On Whole System WIN Whoppingly Immense NOP Worm Infestation Netware MS-WINDOWS NT / WINDOWS NT My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator, Only With Some Network Technology Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally WINDOWS (as a) Network Trojan Different Operating Systems ExpectationsMacintosh: What You See Is What You Get MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It UNIX: IfUHv2sk, UDntWnt2Kno VMS: You Got It, All Of It, Want It Or Not Random Abbreviations for Many Computer CompaniesAPPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity DEC: Dump Everything and Close DEC: Do Expect Cuts HCL: Hilarious Computer Logic HP: Hot more...

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's more...

The government's system administration team, working with computer manufacturers and experts in the computer industry, has found a lower cost alternative to address the Y2K (Year 2000) issue: The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. In exchange for taking every computer, an Etch-A-Sketch will be issued to all Americans. There are many reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems. 2. No technical glitches keeping working from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing E-Mails. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny lines all over the screen. What do I do? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a new document? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper more...

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0 You more...

The incredibly dumb ATT fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up. An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a more...