Taylor Jokes

Then: Swallowing acid Now: Swallowing antacid Then: You’re growing pot Now: Your growing pot Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor Then: Passing the driving test Now: Passing the vision test Then: Seeds and stems Now: Roughage Then: Popping pills, smoking joints Now: Popping joints Then: Whatever? Now: Depends Then: Ommmmmm Now: Ummmmm Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11: 38 p. m. Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the jail. Lawrence went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice the Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer more...

My favorite member of the British royal family (make that my favourite member) is Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh and husband to Queen Elizabeth II. He gets my vote not only because of our shared first name, but also because of his wonderful habit for saying the very worst thing at the worst possible time -- and always when microphones are about.

Prince Philip's gaffes have brought grief to many royal handlers, but there is a good number of Brits who secretly love his foot-in-mouth disease. While I acknowledge Prince Philip's penchant for the politically incorrect, I have to admit that he is hilarious in a Borat sort of way.

Via Wikipedia, I bring you the best of Prince Philip:

Speaking to a driving instructor in Scotland, he asked: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"After accepting a gift from a Kenyan citizen he replied, "You are a woman, aren't you?""If it has four legs and is more...

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week." The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says, "Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died." The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says "Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?"
The man then answers "I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office."

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: Growing pot.
Now: Growing pot belly.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints, aching joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with Fidel.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed more...