Teller Jokes / Recent Jokes

HOW NOT TO ROB A BANK
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang.
Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until
authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another more...

Rules for Bank robbers
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't more...

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit afortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news." There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepareyourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent andhorrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then atthe single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took afew deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. Shemet the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked herquestion:"Will I be acquitted?"

Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?

Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

A crusty old man walks into a bank
and says to the teller at the window,
"I want to open a DAMN chequeing account."
The astonished woman replies,
"I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you.
What did you say?"
"Listen up, DAMMIT.
I said I want to open a DAMN chequeing account,
NOW!"
The teller leaves the window
and goes over to the bank manager
to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller
does not have to listen to foul language.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a *&!#%=A4 checking account." The astonished woman replies,"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, *&!#%=A4. I said I want to open a *&!#%=A4 checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank. "The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,"Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no *&!#%=A4 problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the *&!#%=A4 lottery and I want to open a &!#%=A4 checking account in this *&!#%=A4 bank, okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a more...