Temple Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once two deaf friends met on a road: first: are you going to the temple? Second: no, i am going to the temple. First: oh, i thought you were going to the temple! !

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None
survived.
One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the
Creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You!
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could
smoke while the Torah was being read???"
Goldblum shuddered.
God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple
during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast
and loose with my people, but I can more...

Joe is teeing off from the Back Tees. On his downswing
he realizes that his wife Mary is teeing up on the Red Tees
directly in his way. Unable to stop his swing he nails it and
hits her directly in the temple and kills her instantly.
.
A few days later Joe gets a call from the coroner regarding
her autopsy.
.
Coroner: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt
force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and
hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
.
Joe: "Yes sir, that's correct"
.
Coroner: "Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt"
.
Joe: "Was it a Titleist Three?"
.
Coroner: "Yes, it was"
.
Joe: "That was my mulligan"

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my peo ple, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the more...

Jewish TraditionsDuring a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up... The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man answered, "No, more...

An old man is praying in a temple alone one day, and finally calls out to God, "I'm a good pious man Lord, so why must I be poor and destitute." God answers him, and says that he is sorry and he will be the next winner of the million dollar lottery. "Thank You my Lord," cries the old man. But months pass, and the winners are never him. Finally alone back in the temple, he calls out to God once again, "What happened God... did I misunderstand you, didn't you say I'd be the next winner of the lottery." And God answers "Do me a favor my son... buy a ticket!"

One day the elephant and the ant went to play hide and seek in the
Jungle. It was the elephant's turn to seek and he searched high and
low until he came upon a temple in the middle of the Jungle.
Q: Now, how did the elephant know that the ant was inside the Temple?
A: Because the ant left his slippers outside.
2. The ant went to visit the elephant one day. After a nice meal, the
elephant suggested they watch TV.
Q: Why did the ant decline?
A: Because he left his glasses at home.
3. One day the elephant and the ant went biking, when they crashed
into a big truck. The elephant died immediately.
Q: Do you know why the ant survived?
A: Because he was wearing a helmet.