Ten Jokes / Recent Jokes

KNOWLEDGE: __ Really knows what he`s doing. __ Knows just enough to be dangerous. __ Only half a brain and is dangerous. __ His coffee cup has a higher I. Q. _____________________________________________________ ACCURACY: __ Does excellent work is not preoccupied. __ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers. __ Must take off shoes to count above ten. __ What`s a number? _____________________________________________________ ATTITUDE: __ Extremely co-operative. __ Brown noser in good standing. __ Often annoys co-workers and fights. __ Doesn`t care, never did, never will. _____________________________________________________ RELIABILE: __ Works so hard he gets extra days off. __ Very dependable. __ Rely on his being first one out the door. __ Absolutely totally worthless. _____________________________________________________ APPEARANCE: __ Extremely neat and clean. __ Looks great on his day off. __ Flies take him over fresh manure. __ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly. more...

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit….
Man: “Hi! Am I ever happy to see you. ”
Girl: “Hi! It seems like you’ve been here a long time. How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette? ”
Man: “It’s been ten years! ” With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: “Oh thank you so much! ”
Girl: “So tell me how long its been since you had a drink? ”
Man: “It’s been ten years” The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: “Oh… thank you so much. You are like a miracle! ”
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] “So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around? ”
Man: “Oh, my God, don’t tell me you’ve got a set of golf clubs in there too?! ”

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of more...

10. I'm a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I'm useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional more...

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". "Where did you get this exact information?" "I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."