Tennis Jokes / Recent Jokes

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife. May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid. May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife. May you never leave your marriage alive. May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house. Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H. L. MenckenMy darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

One day U-Ravana had a foriegn visitor and one evening they went to a sports club to play tennis. While the game is on every time the when U-Ravana hits the ball, the ball hits the net and bounce back.
Half way the tourist said Udu, the game was good but your balls are too low.
Udu replied " What to do, I am wearing local underwear"

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A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow". The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have". So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine. The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep more...

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: "You have a tennis elbow".
The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom.
He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample.
After 30 seconds the printout read: "Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow."

One day, Nimal complained to his friend Ruchira,"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend offered,"Don't do that! !! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs 10francs."
Nimal figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the 10francs. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science for ever, he more...

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaohs court.