Terrible Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to
the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are
now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If
she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

A woman approaches a priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you." said the lady.
So, the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots more...

The last request
Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther Glickman came up to him in tears.
"What`s bothering you so, dear?" inquired Rabbi Cohen.
"Oh, Rabbi, I`ve got terrible news," replied Esther.
"Well what is it, Esther?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Rabbi."
"Oh, Esther", said the Rabbi, "That`s terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther.
"What did he ask, Esther?"
Esther replied, "He said, `Please, please Esther, put down the gun...`

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that darned gun!'"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to
have some FUN?'"
"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to
your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
and I
will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray
and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying
that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and
worship."
"Thank you," said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house.
The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads
and praying in their cage.
The lady more...