Texan Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

A Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old friend when he noticed a attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar eating a hamburger.

As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking.

She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

The Texan said to his friend,' That there gal is having a bad time!'

The other agreed and said,' Think we should go help?'

'You bet,' and with that he ran over and said,' Can you breathe????' She shook her head no. He said,' Can you speak??' She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt.

So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Smiling to his friend, the Texan said,' Funny how that Hind Lick maneuver always works'

A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

Four guys are flying to Japan in their own jet. One's a Texan, one's a Mexican, one's is a French man, and the other is an Englishman. A radio transmission says to throw out all the luggage because there is too much weight to land. So they do. Then they get another transmission that says three will have to jump out because there is still too much weight. So the French man goes to the door and says.'' Viva Le France.'' and he jumps. The Englishman says,'' Long live the King.'' and he jumps out. So the Texan and the Mexican go to the door. They look at each other, and the Texan grabs the Mexican and throws him out the door and says,'' Remember the Alamo!''

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

A Texas business man while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling "Gama Su! Gama Su!". Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked: "Wrong hole? What do you mean more...

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger.
She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
Still gasping, she again shook her head no.
With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."