Thanks Jokes / Recent Jokes

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the more...

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for Tony and more...

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women." Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?" "Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way." "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So more...

From: Bin Laden, Osama To: Cavemates Subject: The CaveHi guys. We`ve all been putting in long hours but we`ve really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no `I` in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can`t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns. First of all, while it`s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don`t want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I`ve posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it`s not often I make a video address but when I do, I`m trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we`re taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we`re taping. Thanks. Third point, and this more...

1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V. D. Clinic."

2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."

5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."

7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: more...

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Maybe some bacon and eggs and a slice of toast? What about a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee?"
The husband declines. ""It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup and a sandwich? Or, maybe a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
The husband again delines. "No thanks, honey. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he would like anything to eat, even offering to go to a caf

A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!". Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"... next day... patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"