Thanks Jokes / Recent Jokes

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?""Did we land or were we shot down?"

A few selected, funny but also scary quotes of words of wisdom by George W Bush. Unlike the bogus Gore quotes making the rounds, the source and date for each quote is cited.
"The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective." In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000
"The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty... I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas." All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Nouraee.)
"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read, I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do." On more...

Dr M were meeting the other Asean leaders in KL. As the Proton (Wira and Perdana) sales were not going too well, he took the opportunity to do some hard sell to these guys. Dr M:' President Suharto, how many Protons will you be able to buy?' Suh.:' 2000 is not a problem.' Dr M (very happy):' Thanks. President Ramos, how about you?' Ramos:' Deliver 5000 to Philippines next week.' Dr M:' Thanks for the support.' Sultan Bolkiah (determined not to be outdone):' Brunei roads can well afford another 10, 000 Protons. Send them over next month.' Dr M by now is very pleased that his hard sell is doing so well. Finally he turned to Goh Chok Tong. Dr M:' Mr Goh, how about you?' Goh:' I will take 500 cars, but with the special condition that they be painted in pink.' Dr M:' That is not a problem. But I wonder, why choose pink when we have so many other nice colors?' Goh:' That's because I have to find 500 suckers.'

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell:' 'Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks,' 'Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no.' 'Good!'' says the duck.' 'Got any grapes?''

The day before Christmas break, a few kindergarten students decided to give their teacher a gift.
The first gift was from a little girl whos daddy was a florist. The teacher takes the present unwraps it and discovers it's flowers. She thanks the girl and takes the next present.
Its from a little boy whose daddy own a candy store. She unwraps the present and sure enough there's a box of chocolates. She thanks the boy and takes the last gift.
The last gift is from a boy whose daddy owns a liquor store. The gift is dripping with a weird liquid. Shocked that the boy's father would give him alcohol to give to a teacher, decides to say nothing and guess what it is.
"Is it champagne?"
The boy replies "No."
"Is it wine?"
The boy again replies "Nope."
The teacher gives up and asks what it is.
The excited boy yells, "ITS A PUPPY!"

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi, is Boris home?" asked Ned. "No, he went to the store." replied the wife.
"Well, you mind if I wait?" asked Ned. "No, come in." responded the wife.
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sue, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sue thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Ned says, "They are so beautiful. I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sue thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Ned a nice long look. Ned thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't more...

There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising steadily..

Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."

Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went up to the second floor.

As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."

Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.

A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop you a rope, grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."

Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."

The water rose and rose, and soon nearly more...