Thanks Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, “No thanks. I don’t drink. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. ”
So the bartender said, “Well, would you like a cigarette? ”
But the man said, “No thanks. I don’t smoke. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. ”
The bartender asked him if he’d like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, “No thanks. I don’t like pool. I tried it once but I didn’t like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be here at all, but I’m waiting for my son. ”
The bartender said, “Your only son, I guess. ”
After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
Who are these from? " she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides more...
Last Christmas we were thinking about all the things we didn't have; this Christmas we are thinking about all the things we do have.
Last Christmas we were placing wreaths on the doors of our homes; this Christmas we are placing wreaths on the graves of our heroes.
Last Christmas we were letting our sons play with toy guns; this Christmas we are teaching them that guns are not toys.
Last Christmas we were counting our money; this Christmas we are counting our blessings.
Last Christmas we were lighting candles to decorate; this Christmas we are lighting candles to commemorate.
Last Christmas we paid lip service to the real meaning of the holidays; this Christmas we are paying homage to it.
Last Christmas we were digging deep into our bank accounts to find money to fly home for the holidays; this Christmas we are digging deep into our souls to find the courage to do so.
Last Christmas we were trying not to let annoying relatives get the best of us; more...
Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
1 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."2 Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"3 Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."4 The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."5 Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."6 Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."7 Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: more...
Blonde quickies 6
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm???
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in more...