Thanks Jokes / Recent Jokes

Banta had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
Banta looked at the car clock and answered, "6:15"
The jogger said thanks and left. Banta settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"6:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now Banta could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed more...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and more...

After working in the computer business for 25 years, Jack decides he's finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Other than that, it's total peace and quiet.
After several months of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when there's a knock on his door. He opens it and standing before him is a big, bearded Vermonter.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Jack says, "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some of the local folks. Thanks."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"No problem," Jack replies. "After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. more...

Banta walks into a bar for a beer and takes a seat. However, just as the bartender put the beer on the bar, there was a loud disturbance outside. Hey ran out to see what was going on but soon went back to drink his beer.

When he got back he found his glass empty and a note saying: "Thanks for the beer!"

Banta was a little ticked-off but ordered another beer anyway. Again, just as the bartender put the beer down a loud crash was heard in the street. Thinking that someone ran into his parked car, Banta runs outside to check on things. Seeing that his car was okay he returned to the bar and again found his glass empty and another note that said: "Thanks again, this was as good as the first one."

Well he still hadn't had a beer to quench his thirst, so he ordered another. Just as the bartender put the beer down, a series of shots were heard outside. This time Banta wasn't going to lose his beer to anybody. So he spit into the beer and more...

A blonde is walking down the street and some one stops her and says...
" I love you hair" she says "Thanks it's natural".
Weeks later a burnet was walking donw the street and some one stops her and says...
"I love your hair" she says "Thanks it's natural".

1 week later a green hair lady walks down the street someone says
"I like that shade of green" she says "Thanks (as shes rubbing her hand over her nose) it's natural".

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited-and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months.
I want to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and a very
prosperous New Year.
Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes,
because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains and may eat my guts out as well.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products
are atheist bastards who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could more...