Thanksgiving Jokes / Recent Jokes

Only for the truly demented...

You Will Need:
Felt markers or crayons, sticky-tape, construction paper, blunt scissors,
a parent's permission.

1) Place your hand flat on a sheet of construction paper.

2) Cut your hand off with the blunt scissors. The faster you go, the less
it will hurt!

3) Cauterize your stump on an electric burner. Ask your parents for help.

4) Decorate the hand to look like a turkey with the markers, paper and
sticky-tape. Gobble-gobble!

5) Hang your turkey on the front door with nails or a staple gun.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A Thanksgiving Cookbook
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook.
Meghan H. - Turkey
You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Megan K - Chicken
You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it.
Christa - Cookies
Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.
Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding
Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat it.
Tommy - Pumpkin
Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.
Joplyn - Apple Pie
Take more...

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T...
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops more...

One day before Thanksgiving, a little boy walked in on his mom and dad arguing, his mom called his dad a Bastard, and his dad called his mom a bitch. He asked what the two meant, and his mom told him ladies & Gentlemen. Later he walked in on his parents making love, and his mom said to his dad oh your dik is so big, and his dad said oh your titis are so big. The boy asked what that meant, and his mom told him Coats and hats.
So on thanksgiving his mom was carving the turkey, and she cut herself and said fuck. He asked what that meant, and she said carving. His dad was shaving, and cut himself, he said shit. tHe boy asked what that meant and his dad said shaving.
2 min. Later the family came. The boy answered the door, and said to everyoneone
" Hello Bitches and Bastards, Put your diks and titis in the closet, my mom is fucking the turkey, and my dad is shitting on his face".

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, The lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door. Looking at you, I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you more...

A little boy was sitting on the couch while his parents were arguing.
"I don't want your bastard family coming over for Thanksgiving." said his mom.
"Mom, what's a bastard?" asked the little boy.
"Oh, that is just your dad's family." she replied.
"Well I don't want those bitches you call family to come either!" his dad said
"Dad, what, s a bitch?"
"Oh, it is just your moms family."he said
Later the little boy went and took a shower with his mom. He looked up and said, "Mom what are those?" His mom was surprised she didn't know what to say so she said, "Oh, they are tits. something grown ups wear under there clothes."The boy seemed satisfied and got out.
He then took a shower with his dad. When he looked up he asked, "Dad what's that?" Flustered his dad said, "Oh, that is a dick. It is something adults wear."
"Ohhh okay." the little boy more...

TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline, where people call to get advice how to cook a Turkey from the experts.
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run.
A woman called (their number) to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.
To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed.
The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
Tofu turkey?
No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey.
A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."