Thanksgiving Jokes / Recent Jokes

A Thanksgiving Cookbookby Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten ClassNOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be reponsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette - Banana PieYou buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell - TurkeyYou cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - TurkeyYou buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you invite people over and eat. Andrew - PizzaBuy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it. Shelby - ApplesauceGo to the store and buy some apples, and then you squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce". Then you eat it. more...

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a
tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it
and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa
Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it
comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the
tattoo artist says "if you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusal tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband
complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas."

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Jimmy, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to
discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.
I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My
mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mom just like that after 54 years together. What
happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should
know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It
will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mom? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't
been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and more...

The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd... "
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a more...

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn't quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the more...

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe
squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can more...

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says,' I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'

Pop, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the father says.' We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.'

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.' Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts,' I'll take care of this,' She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father,' You are NOT getting divorced. Do not do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother back, and we will both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.' Okay,' he says,' they're coming for Thanksgiving more...