Thanksgiving Jokes / Recent Jokes
Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep I
tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white, but I
fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a
snack became infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at
the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and
carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a
sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a
mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
happy eating to all-pass the cranberries, please
SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE
It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden, rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.
(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too polite to laugh out loud.)
In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are, recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:
DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes: clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift tags. Hiking boots are optional.
CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before the host or hostess more...
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T
10.' Reach in and grab the giblets.'
9.' Whew...that's one terrific spread!'
8.' I am in the mood for a little dark meat!'
7.' Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.'
6.' Talk about a HUGE breast!'
5.' And he forces his way into the end zone!'
4.' She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.'
3.' It's cool whip time!'
2.' If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!'
1.' It must be broken' cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.'
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door."Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.""Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man."That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man."Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"