Thermometer Jokes

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam!"
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What is a polygon?
A dead parrot.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What's the difference between boogers and spinach?
You can't get kids to eat spinach.
What did the horse say when he more...

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those' Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print more...

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the more...