Think Jokes / Recent Jokes

You Might Be a Redneck If
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve
yourselves.
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much
the diaper will hold.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
Your chili's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.
Turning more...

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet
the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for
you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you
die. What is first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The
cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a
naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the
cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man-can only
think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. more...

Diary of a New Snow ShovelerDecenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll more...

Doctor, doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar."
Come now. I don't believe that."

Doctor, doctor People keep disagreeing with me
No they don't.

Doctor, doctor People keep ignoring me
Next please.

Doctor, doctor I think I'm a pair of curtains
Pull yourself together.

Doctor, doctor I think I'm a cricket ball
Hows that.

Doctor doctor I think I'm a billiard ball
Get to the end of the queue.

Doctor doctor I cant feel my legs
That's because we've cut your arms off.

Doctor doctor I think I need glasses
This is the post office.

Doctor doctor I think everyone hates me
Fuck off you irritating git.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."
Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears
Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" more...

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.
Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they'd
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some
very expensive knickers, didn't want to throw hers away and so looked
around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby
wreath.
So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.
The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they're up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!"
The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you more...

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER - -Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire? Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt...But the paramedics just pulled up.Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got? Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.We did all we could to stop the leak.Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip... Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip? Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her-lightly-down some stairs.Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me! Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell more...