Third Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. "I'll choose this room," he said. Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, "May I halp you?"
The first responds with, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender turns to the second and says, "May I help you?"
The second thinks for a short time and says, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, "May I help you?"
The third looks at him and says, "I would like... a plasma."
The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, "Give me two bloods and a blood light."

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it."
And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to f@ck the cat."

Three criminals were each sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement for the crimes they commited. Each of them were told they would be permitted to bring one thing into the cells with them.
The first one requested a stack of books. The second one asked for his wife and the third asked for a couple hundred cartons of cigarettes.
At the end of the twenty years, they opened up the first criminal's cell. He came out smiling and said, "That was great. I read and studied so hard, I'm bright enough now to be a lawyer."
They then opened the second criminal's cell and he emerged with his wife and four children. "That was the most wonderful time of my life," he said. "My wife and I have never been closer and we have a wonderful family to show for it."
When they opened the third criminal's cell, he staggered out, shaking uncontrollably and stammered, "Anyone have a match?"

There was this guy at a baseball game, and he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the men's bathroom was all filled up and he couldn't wait.
He looked over at the girl's bathroom and there wasn't a line, so he went in there, entered a stall and sat to go to the bathroom.
He saw 3 buttons. Curious, he pushed the first button and went "ah". He pushed the second button and went "ooo". Finally, when he pushed the third and woke up in the hospital he asked, "What happened?"
The doctor said, "Didn't you know that the third button is an automatic tampn remover?"

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world more...

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter.
Everything the girl touched, would melt. No matter what, metal, wood, plastic, etc. Everything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her and nobody would dare to marry her.
One day a wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that would not melt in her hands, her symptom will be cured." The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition, any man that can bring her daughter an object that would not melt, gets to marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted! The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a very hard alloy but the same thing happened... so he too went away.
The third prince told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and more...