Thomas Jokes / Recent Jokes
6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: more...
Aristotle:
To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr:
Urrrrrp. What chicken?
George Bush:
To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Julius Caesar:
To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide:
To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat:
Oop Ack.
Buddha:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Moses:
Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
Joseph Conrad:
Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali:
The Fish.
Darwin:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the more...
WARNING: May be offensive to animal lovers, flood victims, Timothy McVeigh, Dan Quayle, Clarence Thomas, AOL, Lousianians, British Royalty, Los Angelenos, the IRS, smokers, President Clinton, Mafiosi, airline luggage handlers AND airline food preparers Includes reference to drug use, sex, God and doo doo heads...
Well folks, it's springtime, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, while his remote turns to the NCAA tournament.
After President Clinton injured his knee, his press secretary was asked if he had been given painkillers. The answer,' Yes, but he didn't swallow them.'
Al Gore is taking heat for his role in campaign fundraising. In true vice presidential form, he issued a statement saying,' This is becoming a real hot potatoe.'
The IRS wants to improve its image. They will no longer answer the phone with' Next victim', and their new mascot' Timmy the Tax Collector' will replace the Grim Reaper. (Daily Scoop)
Liggett Group Inc. is going to more...
One rainy day at work, one of my colleagues, Thomas, came across from the other side of the building to ours. Just to start a conversation, another colleague, Peggy, asked, "Is it raining heavily outside?" Without any expression, Thomas said, "Sorry, I did not carry a weighing machine."
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here more...
You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of more...