Thousand Jokes / Recent Jokes

* "On the advice of our solicitors, this T-shirt bears no message at this time".
* "That's it! I'm calling me granny" (seen on a seven-year-old)
* "Rehab is for quitters"
* "My dog can lick anyone"
* "Party - my cot - 2 a.m." (on a baby-size T-shirt)
* "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS FECKIN' CAR!"
* "They call it 'PMT' cos 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken"
* "A picture is worth a thousand words - but it uses up a thousand times the memory."
* "HAM AND EGGS - a day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig."
* "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit."
* "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
* "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
* "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
* more...

George Carlin
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in more...

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn't decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.
The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.
The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.
The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

George Carlin
Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in more...

George CarlinAds in Bills:Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your billsnow? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener:My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
CripesMy wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up more...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.
"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' more...

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you." So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. more...