Thursday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

Were these words actually printed in church bulletins or delivered during church services? Who cares!

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The sermon this morning:' Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight:' Searching for Jesus.'
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be' What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who more...

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies,
she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's
playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go
fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out
of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket,
and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he
is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for more...

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told
the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms
later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not
asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking
about the "W. C., "being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster,
who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W. C." meant. He asked
the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel. The schoolmaster then wrote
the following letter to the very surprised woman.
Dear Madame,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the W. C. is located seven miles from the house
in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of more...

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please more...

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4: 00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5: 00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet more...

God and the ComputerIn the beginning there was the computer. And God typed: %>Let there be light! #Please login. %>login God #Password?. %>Omniscient #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Omnipotent #Password incorrect. Try again. %>Technocrat #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. %>Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create light #Done %>Run heaven_and_earth #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2. %>Let there be firmament in the midst of waters dividing the waters which are under and above the firmament #Unrecognizable command. Try again. %>Create firmament #Done. %>Run firmament #And God created the heaven. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2. #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3. %>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry more...

? Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.? Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.? Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.? For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.? Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.? This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.? Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.? A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.? At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.? The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen more...