Thy Jokes / Recent Jokes

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the more...

Here is a long collection of Rodney Dangerfield's jokes, as a tribute to the great comedian who recently passed away at age 82.


Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born.. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could more...

The Ten Commandments for C Programmers
1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest "foo`` someone someday shall type "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious``.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, more...

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.
Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!
Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.
Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.
This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.
Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."
Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.

Thou shalt study only during the preparatory leave.
Thou shalt never write thy assignments thyself.
Thou shalt begin writing thy journals only on the morning of submission.
Thou shalt treat all marks above 40 as bonus.
Thou shalt have at least 70 per cent attendance in the canteen.
Thou shalt pass GRACEfully.
Thou shalt always be an OUTstanding student.
Thou shalt give thy attendance without being present... PROXY is a MUST
If thou can't convince them, confuse them.
Thou shalt start every sentence with a four lettered word.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund. I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you? I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who... makes half-a-million dollars a year... Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward. Life's a bitch, and then you marry one. Life sucks... and then you marry someone who doesn't! Look the bride more...

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.