"Tribute to Rodney Dangerfield" joke

Here is a long collection of Rodney Dangerfield's jokes, as a tribute to the great comedian who recently passed away at age 82.

Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape.. you know.

Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

When I was born.. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father.. "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof!
My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I went to a phreak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."

On Halloween.. the parents send their kids out looking like me.
Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!

Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
For two hours.. some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!
This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That is why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?

At christmas time I sat on santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy.. what a present he gave me!
My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.

Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.."Why should I.. you never put out for me."

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.."No.. one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude.. but I didn't see the mouse trap.

A girl phoned me and said.."Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to message parlor. It was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.."Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.

She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time."Her bath tub has stretch marks. Her belly button makes an echo. She has her own postal code. She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra. She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load."Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker. When guys have sex with her they ask for directions. One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas. Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets. When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip. Her mother ripped when she had her. She uses a septic tank for a toilet. She was so ugly that...
She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her. She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight! The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it. She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!
I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.."surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah.. my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day.. as I came home early from work.. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy.."Hey buddy.. why are you doing that for?" He said.."Because you came home early."

I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.."The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning.. put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!
I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem... I don't know who to thank!

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah.. I told him once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.. I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms. Why every time he smokes.. he blows onion rings.

My physchiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd like a second opion. "He said.."Alright.. you're ugly too."
I was so ugly.. my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said.. "Look... twins!"
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.. I'd have nothing to play with!