Ticket Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket." How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a more...

Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway
station ticket counter with two men ahead of him.
Ek Punjab Mail dena.` demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket.
`Ek Punjab Mail dena.` the second man asked and was
handed a ticket.
Then came the turn of Banta Singh,
`Ek Punjab female dena!`
`What do u mean by Punjab female?` asked the clerk.
`It is for my wife` replied Banta Singh.

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em ..nobody is your friend.
If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?(if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).
So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.
The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?
God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today.
Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets more...

At a church event, our minister stood chatting with a young couple, thinking he had recently christened their baby. "So, are you two finally getting some sleep at night?" he asked.
With their stuttering reply, he realized his mistake. They were the couple he had married six weeks earlier.
While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, we heard the ticket agent on the paging system: "Would the person who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter."
After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"

In his youth, Frank was in good shape. But about 10 years ago he started gaining weight, and became quite obese.
Frank decided to loose weight. He worked hard, passed up desserts and excessive food in spite of the difficulty in doing so, and gradually went back to his former weight.
Again being slim, Frank decided to try on an old suit he hadn't been able to wear for years. It looked great. But he noticed something in the pocket. It was a ticket from a local shoe repair shop.
Frank didn't remember taking any shoes to be repaired, but he decided to take in the ticket to see if they still had his shoes.
The next day he walked in the door of the repair shop, and handed the clerk the ticket. After disappearing behind a curtain for several minutes, the clerk came out and announced, "They will be ready next Tuesday."

Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often? When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over but partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed more...

The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."Just how big were those two beers? In God we trust, all others are suspects."