Ticket Jokes / Recent Jokes

INTELLIGENCE IS A BYPRODUCT OF EVOLUTION Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft more...

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There''s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season''s more than half over," he said.

You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God". You have visited every website in the world. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

Three New Zealanders and three Aussies are travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the New Zealanders. They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the New Zealanders on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all more...

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, officer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer doesn't go that high.
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with more...

Back 75 years ago everyone rode the trains if they wanted to go somewhere. The ticket was just a little card of a thing, smaller and thicker in weight than a business card. Uncle John, with his brothers Charlie and Dan were taking a trip. In those days men *always* wore hats, not those baseball or "gimme" cap like men and boys wear today.
It was considered correct to just stick the ticket in the hat-band with the destination showing, and the conductor could later tell the passenger that his station was next.
Sometime during the journey Uncle John, skamp that he was, lifted Uncle Charlie's ticket and put it in his own pocket. Later he said to Charlie, "Charlie, where is your ticket?" All three "searched" for it, but of course no one found it. So Uncle Johny said, "Charlie, you had better hide under the seat and we will sort of cover you with our legs and the conductor will not see you."
So they rode on, Uncles Johny and Dan sitting more...

Three PAKISTANIS and three INDIANS are traveling by
train to a Cricket match at the World Cup, while in England.

At the station, the 3 INDIANS buy a ticket each and watch as the three PAKISTANIS buy just one ticket for them all.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the INDIANS. "Watch and learn," answers one of the PAKISTANI.

They all board the train. The INDIANS take their
respective seats but all three PAKISTANIS cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the ticket checker
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says," Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The ticket checker takes it and moves on. The INDIANS see this and agree that it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game, they decide to copy the more...