Tight Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many tight wads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to complain that even after all these technical advances, a lightbulb still only lasts 1000 hours.
The following excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.
1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.
2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.
3. Tuck your chin in.
4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.
5. Do not panic.
6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!
7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.
8. When more...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes."How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk."Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet."Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk."Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
There were cigarettes and butts left around by some louse.
And the best quart I had hidden by the chimney with care,
had been pinched by some rat who discovered it there.
My friends had long since been poured in their beds,
to wake in the morning with pulsating heads.
When through the north window there came such a smell,
that I sprang to my feet to see what the hell. .....
And what to my wondering eyes should show up,
but eight drunken reindeer hitched to a beer truck.
With a little old driver who looked like a hick,
but I saw it was Santa as tight as a tick.
Staggering onward the eight reindeer came,
as he hiccoughed and burped and called them by name.
"On Bourbon, on Vodka, you too, Scotch and Rye,
we better get going before we're too high. "
"Get up on that roof; get the hell off this wall;
get going you dummies, we have got more...
whats the definition of really really tight...
pissing threw someones letter box and asking how far it went.
whats the definition of really tight...
throwing a brick threw someones window and asking for it back.
A couple who'd been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?"
He moved over and sat close to her.
"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?"
He reached over and held her tight.
"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?"
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."