Time Jokes / Recent Jokes

Santa goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - Santa wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that his aunt had died. Santa assures the son that Auntie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie dies. One week later, Santa again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - Santa again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that his grandmother had died. The father assures the son that she is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, grandmother dies. One week later, Santa again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare, he again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
Santa goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, Santa is scared for his life- he more...

By Alessandro Maccari
I consider anniversaries (and birthdays) generally meaningless, save for the
fact that they trigger reflection. Last month marked my fifth year in Finland as
a resident; I moved here on February 7, 1997, and, apart from a four-month break
the following winter, stayed ever since.
The recurrence prompted me a question: the same most Finns I meet ask me
(strangely, not Italians, who may be too busy wondering how cold it can possibly
get up here): why am I still here? What has kept me (and an ever-growing number
of foreigners) in Finland for such a long time?
This "footnote" is an attempt for an answer, in the form of a simple list of
good reasons to be in Finland. The list is subjective, biased and incomplete,
and, given that the carnival time is here, should be read with a light heart.
As a homage to Douglas Adams' memory and to Mark King's talents, the number of
good reasons to be in Finland that I have more...

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A more...

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice w as heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become
firmly established in Hollywood, and Charlotte
Church is a well-known celebrity slapper in the UK,
the Welsh film industry is to receive additional
funding to step up production. They are going to
remake many well known films, but this time with a
Welsh flavour.
The following are planned for release this year...
* 9

[Original Author: Richard Lederer, St Paul's School]
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a
student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through
college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of
the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an more...

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away - and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal more...