"Signs Of The 2000's" joke

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away - and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do.
He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

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2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.
He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20, more...

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Knock Knock
Who's there!
Duncan!
Duncan who?
Duncan make your garden grow better! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Duncan!
Duncan who?
Duncan disorderly again! Knock Knock
Who's there!
Duncan!
Duncan who?
Duncan buscuits in more...

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full more...

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Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two of our sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily none us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for more...

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