Toast Jokes / Recent Jokes

A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman stranded on an island. They see a cave up ahead.
The Englishman goes in and sees some toast on a rock. He goes over to it but then a voice comes.
"Dont eat the toast," the voice shouts.
The Englishman runs out.
The Scotsman walks in and sees the toast as well, the voice comes back.
"Don't eat the toast." The Scotsman thinks it's his imagination but then he hears it again,
"Don't eat the toast," says the voice, the Scotsman runs out.
The Irishman wondering what's going on, goes inside. He hears the voice once, thinks nothing of it. He hears the voice again, still he ignores it. He picks up the toast and eats it. The voice shouts,
"I warned you once, I warned you twice, I wiped my arse upon the slice."

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.
Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.
The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it.
Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking more...

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrowattention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eightsharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat downat a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinklein his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining roomand seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and hervoice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby forhis morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an oldhusband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

A young Jewish man was visiting a psychiatrist, hoping to cure his eating and sleeping disorder. "Every thought I have turns to my mother," he told the psychiatrist. "As soon as I fall asleep and being to dream, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up so upset that all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."The psychiatrist replied, "What, just one piece of toast for a big boy like you?"

New scientific theoriesGRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on itsfeet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the butteredside facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to theback of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above theground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replacepneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Little Johnny was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went
to the bathroom though, he hit everything but the toilet.
So mom had to go in and clean up after him.
After two weeks, she has had enough, and took Lil' Johnny to the doctor.
After the examination, the Dr.. said, "Well, his unit is too small.
An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning,
and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."
Next morning Johnny jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen.
On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MOM," Johnny yelled,
"the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his mom, "The other 10 are for your father."