Today Jokes / Recent Jokes

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return showing that I
owe $3, 407. 00 in taxes. Please note the attached article
from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein
you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171. 50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600. 00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2, 400) and six
(6) hammers valued @ $1, 029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3, 429. 00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22. 00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1. 5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H. U. D. pays $22. 00 each for 1. 5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next more...

Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions his father." dad, today we had a spelling class - all the other kids could only say half the alphabet, but i knew the whole thing. Is that because i am sardar?

"no son, that's because you are intelligent. " bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question, "dad, today we had math class - all the other kids could only count from 1-10, i could count from 1 to 20. Is this Because i am sardar? ?"

"no son, that's because you are intelligent," replies his father. Happy with the answer, bantu poses another question to his father, "dad, today we had medical examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, i was at least twice their height. Is that because i am sardar? ?"

The father replies, "no son, that's because you are 31 years old."

A man and a woman met in an elevator. "Where are you headed today?" the man asked. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "Oh, about $20." "Wow," said the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman then walked off angrily. The next day, the man and woman met at the elevator once again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she said with her mouth full.

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question". The teacher asked, "Who said' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go". Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said,' I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go". Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said' Ask not, what your country can do for more...

It was announced today that Phelps newest sponsor is in fact Rosetta Stoned.
There was no comment from the Phelps camp on this but there was a "skunkish" smell in the air and alot of coughing was heard.
The Olympic Committee annouced today that there will be another event added to the swimming competition. The 100m bongstroke.

Following the controversy with a monologue joke from Late Show host David Letterman, Sarah Palin told Today Show host Matt Lauer that if her daughter Willow ever met Letterman in person, she "would want to react to him in a way that maybe would catch him off guard."
...like beg him to adopt her.

What to do With Hotel Soap

The following letters were taken from an actual incident
between a London hotel and one of its guests.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear more...