Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, "Do you want to see my wee-wee?" She yelled, "No! No! Please zip up your fly!"Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy. On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, "Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here," and proceeded to take out his dick. She looked at it and said, "Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!"Tom said, "No darling--you don't have to call it a wee-wee anymore; you can call it a cock." She looked at it a while and then said, "No, Tom, what you have' is' a wee-wee." A' cock' is long, thick, and black!!!
Little Johnny was in church one morning when he saw for the first time baptism by immersion.
He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The youngest kitten bore it very well, and so did the younger cat, but the old family tom cat rebelled.
The old feline struggled with the boy, clawed his skin, and finally got away.
With considerable effort the boy caught the old tom again and proceeded with the "ceremony." But the cat acted worse than ever, clawing and spitting, and scratching little Johnny's face.
Finally, after barely getting the cat splattered with water, little Johnny dropped him on the floor in disgust and said, "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"
Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits!
Q: How many atoms in a guacamole?
A: Avocado's number.
Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A: Avogadros.
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago: It takes alkynes to make a world.
"Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warn and happy the little sparrow began to sing.
Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleaned away the manure, he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.
Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60." Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!" Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. ”
He addressed the men, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower? ”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it? ”
The rest of the story is not pleasant.