Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tom was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
"Tom!! Tom!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"
Tom put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

There were these two college students who needed one more class to graduate. Tom was going over to the college to register and Bob said "register me for the easiest class you can find, something like underwater basket weaving...". Tom goes over to the college and is reading the class guide when one of the advisors comes up to him and asks if he can help. Tom explains the situation and the advisor suggests that the two young men take a class called "Relative Theory". Tom says "I don't know, that sounds pretty hard, we were looking for something really easy". The advisor replies "Well son, let me give you an example... Lets say you asked the question do you have a lawn mower? And the person answers yes, you could assume that this person probably has grass and if they have grass then they probably live in a house or condo - right?" Tom says "Yes, that makes since". Then the advisor says "If they live in a house or condo, you could more...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says, "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever," answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continues, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argues, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," says Tom, "in that case I'd run into more...

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always
late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if
he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him
a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and
in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and
drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

A hot air balloon set out to cross the Atlantic Ocean, navigated by Tom and Brian.

After 41 hours in the air, Tom was feeling a bit lost. "Brian, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are," he said. Brian let out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon dropped to under the cloud cover, where they saw a man on the ground.

"I still can't tell where we are. Let's ask that guy on the ground," said Tom, so Brian yelled down to the man "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air." Tom turned to Brian.

"That man must be a lawyer," Tom said. "How can you tell?" asked Brian, to which Tom replied, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and yet totally useless."

Tom Had This Problem Of Getting Up Late In The Morning And Was Always Late For Work. His Boss Was Mad At Him And Threatened To Fire Him If He Didn't Do Something About It. So Tom Went To His Doctor Who Gave Him A Pill And Told Him To Take It Before He Went To Bed. Tom Slept Well And In Fact Beat The Alarm In The Morning By Almost Two Hours. He Had A Leisurely Breakfast And Drove Cheerfully To Work.

"Boss", He Said, " The Pill Actually Worked!"

"That's All Fine" Said The Boss, " But Where Were You Yesterday?"

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives.
Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"

Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"

Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed.

I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"