Tom Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Oscars are here! The Oscars are here!
The single greatest night of year is coming, and that means it's time for me to tell you who will win! I'm good, you know it. Last year, I told you James Coburn would win, and you all laughed, and he won. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?
Many of you cling to the belief that the Oscar goes to the most deserving nominee. Get over yourself. Oscars have nothing to do with talent and everything to do with marketing. With that in mind, here is the list of who will win.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR OK, everyone loved the little kid in Sixth Sense. But the last time the Academy gave an award to a damn kid (Anna Paquin from The Piano) she vanished off the face of the Earth to concentrate on a spelling bee. Face it, they ain't gonna give an award to anyone who still worships the Power Rangers. How about Michael Clarke Duncan from The Green Mile? Too tall. Jude Law? Forget it, his name's Jude.
There are really only two possible more...
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
"Your name?"
>> "Dinesh."
>> "How do you spell it?"
>> "D-I-N...."
>> "Slow, slow, T?"
>> "No, D.
>> "Is that T as in Tom, or D as in Dennis?"
>> "No, not Dennis, my name is Dinesh."
>> "I know that. I am asking you, is that a T as in Tom, or D as in. ..
>> as in Detroit?"
>> "I don't know who Tom is, and I haven't been to Detroit. I just came
>> to the US from Madras."
>> "OK, OK, I know that. Is that T-I- or D-I-? "
>> "D. D-I-. D-I-N-E-S-H."
>> "Is that your last name or first name?"
>> "Uh? Dinesh is my name."
>> "OK. What is your LAst name?"
>> "That is my first and last name. Dinesh."
>> "Then, is your name Dinesh Dinesh?"
>> "No. My name is Dinesh."
>> "But what is your LAST NAME? I am ASKING YOU ABOUT more...
Tom: What did the banana say to the elephant? Nick: I don't know. Tom: Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
When Tom, the rising young insurance executive, appeared at his friend Ed's home in the early-morning hours, asking to be put up for the night, Ed was concerned by his friend's hollow-eyed appearance.
"What happened, Tom? You and your wife have a fight?"
"Yeah. When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as hell. So when she asked me for fifty dollars for a new dress. . . "
"Yeah?"
"Well," Tom went on sheepishly, "I guess I must have been half asleep or something, because I said,' All right, but let's finish this dictation first.' "
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, havinga little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin." I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled amuscle and it's killing me." "That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though." "Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."